Posted 27/2/13:
You make us all awkward, is what I want to say. I don't want to say it. I also don't want to say that I am a follower of social conventions. Social conventions go to hell. I read half of Insurgent, and now I feel like talking like Beatrice Prior. Neither of those two words are spelling errors, but the Ning of my name is a spelling error. I have a heavy heart from reading the book. I'm listening to moody-making music. I want to cling on to my emotions now, before they leave. My head is all jumbled up. There is rain in the music. I also want to talk like Carol Ann Duffy. In Insurgent, Jeanine says that Beatrice has a flexible mind, and a flexible personality style.
You make us all awkward, is what I want to say. I don't want to say it. I also don't want to say that I am a follower of social conventions. Social conventions go to hell. I read half of Insurgent, and now I feel like talking like Beatrice Prior. Neither of those two words are spelling errors, but the Ning of my name is a spelling error. I have a heavy heart from reading the book. I'm listening to moody-making music. I want to cling on to my emotions now, before they leave. My head is all jumbled up. There is rain in the music. I also want to talk like Carol Ann Duffy. In Insurgent, Jeanine says that Beatrice has a flexible mind, and a flexible personality style.
I think I'm flexible, like Beatrice. In
fact, I think I'm quite similar to Beatrice. I took the quiz: Which Divergent
faction are you most likely to be in; and I think I might be even more flexible
then her. I got a hit for all five factions, minus Amity, and times two for
Divergent. This means I'm a bit of everything.
Beatrices' flexible style allows her to
read and adapt and act accordingly as social and dangerous situations deem
fit.
It's still raining in my music.
Never has my flexibility or tolerance
been strained so hard in all of my short life. Today I watch slightly less then
half the DP1's go on stage to receive their Academic Excellence awards. Nathan
might be lying about his almost-but-miss: 7As and 1C is what he says. Frances
is "bitter" but acting like she's acting like she's playing
nonchalant, because she wants our attention. I don't rub anything into
Yippy's face. Everyone worked hard, but we're sitting here, behind the glass:
the divide among students that adults and academics created.
My skin is so thick that I honestly
don't feel a single stab of emotion, except mild amusement when Kerrie and Jun
Xian gave speeches. Because I am flexible, like Beatrice, I am neutral, and
because I am neutral, I am empty and have no emotions.
(I have 6As and 2Bs. Whatever anyone
else has to say, I am the nearest almost-but-miss.)
So instead I put myself in other
people's shoes and wonder if they feel awkward. I bet, for example, that the
entire S4 cohort felt awkward when the Top In Mathematics Brian came on stage
to give his speech. Notice how he used "peers" instead of "friends".
Wasn't he the one who holed up in the library all day long? Do his peers even
know him?
Academics and teachers disregard
awkwardness and the our local laws social conventions to create an aura of
perfection for the minority of the students that are perfect enough for them. I
wonder if they do this because the rest of the world is doing it, or because
they are all perfectionists?
I think I can deliver an inspiring
speech. With my neutrality and adaptability and flexibility, I make life easier
for people who get their lives all awkward-up by the negligent
perfectionist.
I am always judging her. I am always
expecting better. I'm the bitch-behind-her-back.
But for all my efforts to make things
bearable for the majority - see the Utalitarian Law of Ethics - how could she
not know? How could she still actively and consciously pursue her
behaviour?
I've come to the conclusion that it is
an American thing to explicitly state when awkward situations are awkward. Use
in accurate dosages and it will lighten up an awkward atmosphere. Overuse it
and it irritates me.
But how can anyone not know, when things
become awkward? Everybody else will give you the empty,
anticipating-something-else look. Everything thing withers away slowly.
How can you not know? How can you
keep this up? Now I have to keep my efforts up, to compensate yours.
I want to say I'm getting tired, but I'm
not. Whats happening is that my patience and tolerance boundary is stretching,
further and further away from me. Now someone has to shoot me in the gut to get
me roaring and pissed. Now I'm becoming more and more neutral, more and more
balance.
Inner peace my ass. I took Jung's
psychometric personality test. I scored 0/1% for two out of four personality
aspects. No preference to either. Jung had a label for 16 types of personality,
because (as far as I know) according to him, people generally had a minute
preference to either side of the extreme.
He doesn't know me. I am neutrality. I
cannot be labelled - if I'm not fully neutral yet then i'm on my way there -
though this really wasn't what I had in mind when I wanted to be different from
everybody else. I'm going to die boring, unable to get angry, unable to stay
angry, ever quick to return to the damned normal, every damned time.
I envy the short-tempered. Hot headed
passion must feel nice. I don't know how it feels like. I think once upon a
time, I did. I'm not as passionate about anything anymore - this is what all
that neutrality act is doing to me.
Thunder and rain end the song. I'm
neutral, signing out.
~Fallen Tears (Gothic Music), from Tales
From The Lost Kingdom, by BrunuhVille
读完了而恍然而发现原来老师问我要不要给演讲，是因为自己在这次的 rant 里竟然说了 ”I think I can deliver an inspiring speech." -.-
Oh well, 反正老师觉得我没料的话一定不会叫我给演讲的；毕竟这个老师是那种很要求条件的女老师。
Woah，我当天心情真的很不爽。。。
读完了而恍然而发现原来老师问我要不要给演讲，是因为自己在这次的 rant 里竟然说了 ”I think I can deliver an inspiring speech." -.-
Oh well, 反正老师觉得我没料的话一定不会叫我给演讲的；毕竟这个老师是那种很要求条件的女老师。
Woah，我当天心情真的很不爽。。。
