It's Not Your Fault

It's not your fault
I feel guilty.


Today
In the morning, she wasn't there
Worry, start
Absent last friday, and today too?
Something's up

Talked about Percy Jackson
Greek gods
Was happy
Not there
Hoped she only meant to ditch Bio

Chinese class
Second common class
Not there
VP's voice starts on the speaker
'We have something to tell you all
Please come to the auditorium
At 1 p.m. That's it'
Heart drops

Someone says,
'She's not here! Maybe's she dead!'
Her boyfriend snaps
Then he's on his phone
Smiling
I thought that she was okay
Almost disappointed at the lack of drama

After lunch
After I talked about my FOA
My Written Task
Super Show 5 tickets
Percy Jackson by Rick Riordan
EE
It's 1 p.m.

We all thought it was about the SIS meme
Death was far away, I hoped
Too close, so much so that I didn't want to believe
The teachers are dead serious
The boyfriend sits between me and bestie #2
Bestie #2 says, 'Is somebody dead?'
And then the boyfriend says
'What? I wasn't talking with her on the phone just now."

The VP gives the news
'Today, this morning
An SIS student was found trying to commit suicide
Her parents brought her to the hospital
We wanted you guys to hear the information from us
Unfortunately we can't tell you more
But she's fine
Talk to us if you need help
This is not your fault'
Shivering start
Me and Bestie #2 exchange a half-look
Didn't look at her long enough to make eye-contact
Don't dare to look at the boyfriend

We're the last to be dismissed
That's the point
She was one of our 36, anyway
She tried to die, today
Didn't make it
Parents wouldn't let anyone visit
Not today
The girls cry
Don't care about the rest
I try to whisper to Bestie #2
We're both too numb to cry

VP says, 'Go when you're ready'
Boyfriend first out
Me and Bestie #2 next
Make her promise
Blink back fear
Say "Let's protect her"
"Okay? Promise."

Math class
Uncontrollable shivering
Not the air-con
Wet eyes and red noses and
'I know, I've been there'
Try and compose
Can't stop shivering
Text her to
'Text me when you need me, okay?'
No reply

Free period
No tears yet
Bestie #2, boyfriend and me
Chatting in the garden
Each one of us with 1/3 of the story
Fit together, yet there are holes
We didn't know
But we all felt the same
Knew she didn't trust the family
Her trust was in us
In me
And
If it made her happy, then we wouldn't stop her
No reply

Art room next
Survivor's guilt
Make card, so teachers can pass it along
Say, "Text me when you need me, okay?"
No reply
Draws INFINITE logo
From us three
TO VALERIE
Teachers, unfortunately, can't go today
Says "Not at a liability to say", "Physical state", "Can't interact now"
Makes boyfriend feel worse
The pause in his words are our dismissal
He finishes with
"None of this is your fault, okay?"
Bestie #2 flinches away
Boyfriend freezes on the chair
I tilt my head and cringe
We leave each with a strawberry Pocky

Back at art room
My teacher looks like she just left the girl's funeral
'Are you okay?' Pale and worried
She would be
I'd talked to her about suicides in IB
And cried, just last Friday

Bestie #2 tries to work on History
Don't know what to do now
So far only boyfriend has cried
I was still numb, I know now
We laugh a bit with small entertainment
Then the seriousness comes back
None of this is your fault
But is it really?
They don't know what we know
They don't know what we said
They don't know what we did

Don't know if its from watching the VP age ten years
Or from hearing from him that its not my fault
Probably the latter? Though I should know better
But I do know better
Back in my logical circle fallacy
Guilted into crying
Tilt my head away
At least I'm not as passionless as I expected
Boyfriend says, 'Are you crying?'
More accurately its tearing
It's not crying
If only water is coming out from my eyes
And if it only lasts less than 5 seconds
Through my waterfall I see his wet wet eyes
Have to tilt my head the other way to avoid the teacher
Boyfriend says, 'Don't cry lah'

When Bestie #2 comes back
I try and explain myself
I say
'When the VP says it's not your fault
I feel guilty'
The tears come
She pets me
I think I say "I'm sorry"
Then I say "Give me five seconds"
Tears gone
My buddy on the phone doesn't even realise

It's not your fault
I feel guilty.

善良的人

音乐：FT Island - Don't Ever Love

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昨天呆在学校，原本要埋头苦干地温习到六点种，却被美术老师说了一句：你近几天看起来很烦躁。

我惊讶，因为相比与其他同学，我是有担忧，可是担忧之下我是最冷静，处理最好的。烦事上的了我的新，留不了。我说是因为自己皮厚，老师们说是我脾气好，理性强，非常［稳］，是个聪明的人。

我以为我的理性是足够让我保持冷静，及时在说 life philosophy 这种事，也不至于到会哭的程度。我跟老师说，“毕竟我脸皮这么后，泪水都哭不的了。”

可是美术老师很善良。

有一次一个烦躁的学生跟我说，她不开心跑去美术室静静地坐，美术老师一见到她就说：“阿！你好！你近几天怎样了？” 她说给美术老师这么一叫，泪水差点全都流了出来。我听了心也动了，因为实在很容易想象美术老师100%诚意的关心。

这样子100%的真心关心被我的家庭忽略了。因此我被人欣赏的［独立］来自于这里 － 我学会不象别人求救，学会自己来，自动来。

昨天和老师谈起 life，IB，suicide，说着说着，从说朋友到说自己，老师的诚意打入我的心。我哭。我解释，IBDP 让我发现原来自己不是一个完美的人。我常常反思，觉得自己不够好，因此心情会差，可能就看起来烦躁吧。自己不够，这是我心烦的原因。

这个理由再也不足以令我哭。我哭，因为老师很善良。

我的家人不给我依赖他们，这把我造成一个 ［坚强］的人。被老师的真心打动而哭，我到现在想起老师善良，肯听的模样，心里就软化，泪水自动地流下来。

我跟另一个不开心的朋友通过 Facebook 哭这对话，我一直说，“老师是个很善良的人”。这种善良，想一想，说是我第一次接触到完全不夸张。我在家人身上得不到想要的同情，因此我独立。我在外人的身上却找到关心，可能说是自己不懂的处理，对这种善良不熟悉，只能用哭来回应吧。

我从不渴望的关心，老师毫无保留地呈送给我。为什么有这么多瑕疵的我，值得老师的善心？为什么老师就这么容易地关心我？为什么老师就是这么善良？为什么老师对我这么好？我只想着做个好朋友，对朋友们关心，不去判断他们，因为我希望他们也会给我相等的对待，不判断我，有时也来给点关心，一点也够了。

原来毫无保留的关心是如此的伟大，如此的美。我的［坚强］，［独立］和［稳］不懂的应付。

我哭。

---

音乐：金在中 - 僕だけの癒し（Healing for Myself）

Participant, Treble Makers A Capella Group 20 hours Creativity, 1 hours Service In-School

几乎有点犯规了。可是着不符合 CAS Reflection 的要求，所以虽然老师喜欢，还是要求我把这次的 rant 删掉。

---

Posted 27/2/13:

You make us all awkward, is what I want to say. I don't want to say it. I also don't want to say that I am a follower of social conventions. Social conventions go to hell. I read half of Insurgent, and now I feel like talking like Beatrice Prior. Neither of those two words are spelling errors, but the Ning of my name is a spelling error. I have a heavy heart from reading the book. I'm listening to moody-making music. I want to cling on to my emotions now, before they leave. My head is all jumbled up. There is rain in the music. I also want to talk like Carol Ann Duffy. In Insurgent, Jeanine says that Beatrice has a flexible mind, and a flexible personality style.

I think I'm flexible, like Beatrice. In fact, I think I'm quite similar to Beatrice. I took the quiz: Which Divergent faction are you most likely to be in; and I think I might be even more flexible then her. I got a hit for all five factions, minus Amity, and times two for Divergent. This means I'm a bit of everything. 

Beatrices' flexible style allows her to read and adapt and act accordingly as social and dangerous situations deem fit. 

It's still raining in my music. 

Never has my flexibility or tolerance been strained so hard in all of my short life. Today I watch slightly less then half the DP1's go on stage to receive their Academic Excellence awards. Nathan might be lying about his almost-but-miss: 7As and 1C is what he says. Frances is "bitter" but acting like she's acting like she's playing nonchalant, because she wants our attention. I don't rub anything into Yippy's face. Everyone worked hard, but we're sitting here, behind the glass: the divide among students that adults and academics created. 

My skin is so thick that I honestly don't feel a single stab of emotion, except mild amusement when Kerrie and Jun Xian gave speeches. Because I am flexible, like Beatrice, I am neutral, and because I am neutral, I am empty and have no emotions. 

(I have 6As and 2Bs. Whatever anyone else has to say, I am the nearest almost-but-miss.)

So instead I put myself in other people's shoes and wonder if they feel awkward. I bet, for example, that the entire S4 cohort felt awkward when the Top In Mathematics Brian came on stage to give his speech. Notice how he used "peers" instead of "friends". Wasn't he the one who holed up in the library all day long? Do his peers even know him? 

Academics and teachers disregard awkwardness and the our local laws social conventions to create an aura of perfection for the minority of the students that are perfect enough for them. I wonder if they do this because the rest of the world is doing it, or because they are all perfectionists?

I think I can deliver an inspiring speech. With my neutrality and adaptability and flexibility, I make life easier for people who get their lives all awkward-up by the negligent perfectionist. 

I am always judging her. I am always expecting better. I'm the bitch-behind-her-back. 

But for all my efforts to make things bearable for the majority - see the Utalitarian Law of Ethics - how could she not know? How could she still actively and consciously pursue her behaviour? 

I've come to the conclusion that it is an American thing to explicitly state when awkward situations are awkward. Use in accurate dosages and it will lighten up an awkward atmosphere. Overuse it and it irritates me. 

But how can anyone not know, when things become awkward? Everybody else will give you the empty, anticipating-something-else look. Everything thing withers away slowly. 

How can you not know? How can you keep this up? Now I have to keep my efforts up, to compensate yours. 

I want to say I'm getting tired, but I'm not. Whats happening is that my patience and tolerance boundary is stretching, further and further away from me. Now someone has to shoot me in the gut to get me roaring and pissed. Now I'm becoming more and more neutral, more and more balance.

Inner peace my ass. I took Jung's psychometric personality test. I scored 0/1% for two out of four personality aspects. No preference to either. Jung had a label for 16 types of personality, because (as far as I know) according to him, people generally had a minute preference to either side of the extreme. 

He doesn't know me. I am neutrality. I cannot be labelled - if I'm not fully neutral yet then i'm on my way there - though this really wasn't what I had in mind when I wanted to be different from everybody else. I'm going to die boring, unable to get angry, unable to stay angry, ever quick to return to the damned normal, every damned time. 

I envy the short-tempered. Hot headed passion must feel nice. I don't know how it feels like. I think once upon a time, I did. I'm not as passionate about anything anymore - this is what all that neutrality act is doing to me.

Thunder and rain end the song. I'm neutral, signing out. 

~Fallen Tears (Gothic Music), from Tales From The Lost Kingdom, by BrunuhVille 

---

读完了而恍然而发现原来老师问我要不要给演讲，是因为自己在这次的 rant 里竟然说了 ”I think I can deliver an inspiring speech." -.-
Oh well, 反正老师觉得我没料的话一定不会叫我给演讲的；毕竟这个老师是那种很要求条件的女老师。
Woah，我当天心情真的很不爽。。。

我和它

最近在网络上，找到了一个非常有趣的心里概念：http://daemonpage.com/faq.php。这里提出的是，人们应该为自己的 subconscious 取一个 manifestation － 动物，人类，斩魂到，魔类，天使等 － 这样，对每一个人的自我挣扎便会舒适一点。我也要一只。

记得我以前做过一次梦：梦里我是一只紫黑色的魔兽，牙齿很尖，手爪很尖。我梦里是一只凶恶的东西，情节我都不太记得了，只记得当我抓住一个人的头时，脑袋里突然觉得就如在手里抓住一粒很大很硬的蛋一样。

我不记得梦里的怪兽有没有杀人，有没有吃人，可是我记得我醒来的时候心情是棒极了 － 因为梦里的魔兽凶到强到足以把人类（起码）给爪伤，给吓跑。梦里的魔兽给了我 Power。

“Power” 在英文里只有这一个字，华文的 “Power” 有威，有权，有力，有强。啊，对了，也记得 2013 头我在 Facebook 上玩了一个简单的 Word Search，游戏说最先找到的三个词你在今年并会得到，而我找的是 Love，Friends 和 Power。2013 年内能得到 Power，这点让我非常的满意。

我不晓得自己期望有 Power，任何人看电视机多了都知道有 Power 的人从来都不是好人，从来都没好日子过。因此我为了我的反映而感到以外。

另一次，我做的梦，里头我是蜘蛛侠，正和猫女从火车顶跳来跳去，我几乎在用蜘蛛网将人类从后面给抓住，然后把人类抬起来，往火车，地上，山谷等地方一扔。我任性疯狂中找到自在，找到满意。

今天的我刚刚看完  Ironman 3，钢铁人一要武装两手一挥，无论站在地上或在半空中里，铁甲就会立刻一块块地飞到铁钢人的身上，自动地把自己穿上主人的身体。我发现这是我最喜欢钢铁人的原因。不想当 Tony Stark，就穿好武装去当钢铁人。他拥有的 － 科技，智商 － 完全是他自己的 － 自己制造出来，自己管理，自己控制 － 世上还有哪里人不听他的，敢跟他说 “不”？我特别喜欢的是他的科技 － 科技的反映是瞬间的，只听他的话，完全明白他的话 － 我迷上了。我要。我要我的世界如此容易地操控。也许我需求的不是 Power，而是 Control，因为有了 Control 就有 Power。也许我是一个需要铁甲的人。

可是我不觉得整天躲在铁甲背后的人会引起他人的尊重。就像蝙蝠侠，艾尔沙·史卡雷特，钢铁人在电影尾自愿地把所有的武装给炸掉（虽然大家都知道他当然会在紧接的未来制造更多，更新的铁甲），做回一个平凡人 Tony Stark，引起了其他平凡人类的赞同。也许这些人物想说的背后道理是：想做最强的人，就脱掉武装，以平凡的位置与强势战争，赢而得到 “最强” 的称呼。想要 Power，就先 Let Go（其实蝙蝠侠的背后的道理应该不是这样）。

可是，我不是英雄，我和他们不同，我要的 ”武装” 不是来保护自己的微弱，我是想展现自己的威权（还是这也是一种保护微弱的举动？得在这方面多加考虑）。我没有艾尔沙的忠心，我没有蝙蝠侠的阴暗，我也没有钢铁人的智商，我只有我的稳。

我没有一个更好的名字去称呼我的性格特点，可是若是用英文的话我会称这为我必要戴上的 Mask of Neutrality。一个完全有必要，可是令我完全讨厌的面具。我恨不得任性地把所有累积逼压的情绪全都爆发出来，把身边的人都给吓死，可是这不是 '我' 能做的事情了。'我' 失去了这个权力，这个 Passion，因为聪明懂得自保的人都知道理智和冷静才是赢出胜利的方法。

所以我要的魔宠要有个凶大的体型，它需要尖锐的牙齿和爪子，它要懂得吼别人，因为它是我不能显出的情绪。它的名字我还得多想想，可是小名英文可以 “Wrath” 一词，华文可以 “怒” 一词。我需要这只魔宠，因为我生不得气，它能提我生气。我摆脱不了面具，它不用担心其他人的想法，因为我们是分开的，但又代表同体的。

它是我还没找到的另一半。倘若有机会的话，我从哪来的神力要个魔宠，就必定要有这些条件。