It's Not Your Fault

It's not your fault
I feel guilty.


Today
In the morning, she wasn't there
Worry, start
Absent last friday, and today too?
Something's up

Talked about Percy Jackson
Greek gods
Was happy
Not there
Hoped she only meant to ditch Bio

Chinese class
Second common class
Not there
VP's voice starts on the speaker
'We have something to tell you all
Please come to the auditorium
At 1 p.m. That's it'
Heart drops

Someone says,
'She's not here! Maybe's she dead!'
Her boyfriend snaps
Then he's on his phone
Smiling
I thought that she was okay
Almost disappointed at the lack of drama

After lunch
After I talked about my FOA
My Written Task
Super Show 5 tickets
Percy Jackson by Rick Riordan
EE
It's 1 p.m.

We all thought it was about the SIS meme
Death was far away, I hoped
Too close, so much so that I didn't want to believe
The teachers are dead serious
The boyfriend sits between me and bestie #2
Bestie #2 says, 'Is somebody dead?'
And then the boyfriend says
'What? I wasn't talking with her on the phone just now."

The VP gives the news
'Today, this morning
An SIS student was found trying to commit suicide
Her parents brought her to the hospital
We wanted you guys to hear the information from us
Unfortunately we can't tell you more
But she's fine
Talk to us if you need help
This is not your fault'
Shivering start
Me and Bestie #2 exchange a half-look
Didn't look at her long enough to make eye-contact
Don't dare to look at the boyfriend

We're the last to be dismissed
That's the point
She was one of our 36, anyway
She tried to die, today
Didn't make it
Parents wouldn't let anyone visit
Not today
The girls cry
Don't care about the rest
I try to whisper to Bestie #2
We're both too numb to cry

VP says, 'Go when you're ready'
Boyfriend first out
Me and Bestie #2 next
Make her promise
Blink back fear
Say "Let's protect her"
"Okay? Promise."

Math class
Uncontrollable shivering
Not the air-con
Wet eyes and red noses and
'I know, I've been there'
Try and compose
Can't stop shivering
Text her to
'Text me when you need me, okay?'
No reply

Free period
No tears yet
Bestie #2, boyfriend and me
Chatting in the garden
Each one of us with 1/3 of the story
Fit together, yet there are holes
We didn't know
But we all felt the same
Knew she didn't trust the family
Her trust was in us
In me
And
If it made her happy, then we wouldn't stop her
No reply

Art room next
Survivor's guilt
Make card, so teachers can pass it along
Say, "Text me when you need me, okay?"
No reply
Draws INFINITE logo
From us three
TO VALERIE
Teachers, unfortunately, can't go today
Says "Not at a liability to say", "Physical state", "Can't interact now"
Makes boyfriend feel worse
The pause in his words are our dismissal
He finishes with
"None of this is your fault, okay?"
Bestie #2 flinches away
Boyfriend freezes on the chair
I tilt my head and cringe
We leave each with a strawberry Pocky

Back at art room
My teacher looks like she just left the girl's funeral
'Are you okay?' Pale and worried
She would be
I'd talked to her about suicides in IB
And cried, just last Friday

Bestie #2 tries to work on History
Don't know what to do now
So far only boyfriend has cried
I was still numb, I know now
We laugh a bit with small entertainment
Then the seriousness comes back
None of this is your fault
But is it really?
They don't know what we know
They don't know what we said
They don't know what we did

Don't know if its from watching the VP age ten years
Or from hearing from him that its not my fault
Probably the latter? Though I should know better
But I do know better
Back in my logical circle fallacy
Guilted into crying
Tilt my head away
At least I'm not as passionless as I expected
Boyfriend says, 'Are you crying?'
More accurately its tearing
It's not crying
If only water is coming out from my eyes
And if it only lasts less than 5 seconds
Through my waterfall I see his wet wet eyes
Have to tilt my head the other way to avoid the teacher
Boyfriend says, 'Don't cry lah'

When Bestie #2 comes back
I try and explain myself
I say
'When the VP says it's not your fault
I feel guilty'
The tears come
She pets me
I think I say "I'm sorry"
Then I say "Give me five seconds"
Tears gone
My buddy on the phone doesn't even realise

It's not your fault
I feel guilty.